- grade of student and any other helpful information
- an explanation of your criteria for the assignment
- the method you use(d) in evaluating the writing
- any special considerations or questions you would like others to comment on
- at least one comment on a piece of student one of your classmates has posted
Monday, April 20, 2009
Share and discuss student writing samples
Post an anonymous piece of student writing here. You might chose a piece that you would like others to help you with or one that you would like others to read because it is so good. Also include the following:
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47 comments:
This is an essay written by one of my students. He is 18 years old and ready to graduate. He is a sped student who was exited out of the program this month. dc
It was a magical Tuesday morning in Washington, the nation’s capitol. President Barack Obama was inaugurated as the forty- forth president of the United States of America. After being inaugurated as President of the United States of America, Obama address the people of America. President Obama nailed everything about our country, stating we are in a war of crisis. Obama talks about the economy, how homes, jobs, and businesses have been shuttered in every possible way. A lot of people in America today have lost their homes to foreclosure and were forced to sell their homes.
President Obama then talks about all these challenges we are facing as a country, and how he plans to fix them. Obama and the rest of America know that it’s going to take time to heal our wounds. We are just going to have to take it step by step. Obama states “starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.” That statement to me in my opinion was very powerful because we have gone through so much as a country and its time to take care of this crisis.
Another powerful crisis that President Obama brings to reality is “energy”. The energy we are using is destroying our planet. An energy crisis is any great bottleneck (or price rise) in the supply of energy resources to an economy. It usually refers to the shortage of oil and additionally to electricity or other natural resources. An energy crisis may be referred to as an oil crisis, petroleum crisis, energy shortage, electricity shortage or electricity crisis. The United States is turmoil with energy and how we are trying to harness oil, gas, electricity, etc. Oil is running out as we speak, for example the United States gets most of its oil from the Middle East but within 40 yrs it will be depleted. So we need to start thinking about our options there. Another energy would be gas, even though it’s gone down in the past couple months, we need to start thinking about gas too.
Last but not least electricity, which in my household is a big deal. Many people in the United States are using Wind Turbines to generate electricity and save money. Electricity in the United States and probably the rest of the world is very expensive, so everyone in the United States is trying to use different strategies to harness this energy. So in President Obama speech, Obama states “Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.” So I feel the challenges we are facing our mild, and we will rise above these obstacles. We as a country are going through some pretty rough times right now, but I feel in time we will come together and conquer like we always do.
I have two male students working on a writing credit together. They each are required to write an essay every week on a particular subject that I have listed on the semester syllabus. They also have ten vocabulary words that come from Scholastic’s “Vocabulary Cartoons” each week. The subjects are
political in nature and research is needed to write the essays, but they can be written in first person as their opinion if they want. There have been weeks where we have tweaked the topic or scraped it completely to follow a good story on the news.
I grade the essays using the six traits assessment. Each paper is worth 72 points. Every trait is worth 6 points and then I double the final score. This gives me one score each week for the record books. I also give them 60 points on their vocabulary assignment. They each get 25 points for attendance and participation and 25 points for their end of class data sheets (recap sheets).
The paper on Obama is written in this class. dc
This is from Molly. I am making this in two posts...
# grade of student and any other helpful information“Aubrey” (not her real name) received a 10/perfect score for this assignment.
# an explanation of your criteria for the assignmentThis assignment was a reading response to the read aloud “Fox” by Margaret Wild. Writer’s were invited to write a new ending, tell something they did NOT like or comment on any questions they had about this story,
# the method you use(d) in evaluating the writingWe did not revise these so it really was a quiz format, done over several days, if needed.
Rubric:
• addressing the prompt thoroughly 1 - 5
• evidence of voice 6 Traits continuum 1 -5
# any special considerations or questions you would like others to comment onI rarely choose the most stellar examples when sharing, or work that is assigned in a “quiz” like setting. But Aubrey’s work here astonished me. She was so taken with this text – we had read it several times and it is in the general library. However, I picked this to share because of 1) my sheer love for writing about literature; 2) I may have been too generous with the grading 3) Aubrey’s commitment over several days to craft a space for her needs as a reader. (The final page has gone missing, but there is plenty here!)
Please grade it on your own – this will help me to reflect on both her writing and my grading. Thanks.
To view the outstanding writing in Molly's student sample, go to our ASWC site where I have stored your readings. The adobe file is stored near the top under the title "foxgood."
This is the only way I could figure out to place a pdf file here on the comment section of a blog. Certainly there is a better way, but I couldn't figure it out tonight!
Thanks Sondra!
Our tech-man extraordinaire helped me turn the 'photo' of my student's work into one picture and we uploaded it onto Flicker.So, you can also paste the URL below into a browser and see it (I hope!)
Thanks for all of your help and patience everyone!!
Here is the Flicker link to my student sample:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3235/3466769142_5f252d5a1f_b.jpg
Here are my questions and comments:
# grade of student and any other helpful information
“Aubrey” (not her real name) received a 10/perfect score for this assignment.
# an explanation of your criteria for the assignment
This assignment was a reading response to the read aloud “Fox” by Margaret Wild. Writer’s were invited to write a new ending, tell something they did NOT like or comment on any questions they had about this story,
# the method you use(d) in evaluating the writing
We did not revise these so it really was a quiz format, done over several days, if needed.
Rubric:
• addressing the prompt thoroughly 1 - 5
• evidence of voice 6 Traits continuum 1 -5
# any special considerations or questions you would like others to comment on
I rarely choose the most stellar examples when sharing, or work that is assigned in a “quiz” like setting. But Aubrey’s work here astonished me. She was so taken with this text – we had read it several times and it is in the general library. However, I picked this to share because of 1) my sheer love for writing about literature; 2) I may have been too generous with the grading 3) Aubrey’s commitment over several days to craft a space for her needs as a reader. (The final page has gone missing, but there is plenty here!)
Please grade it on your own – this will help me to reflect on both her writing and my grading. Thanks.
This was a writing assignment I gave my fourth graders – make up a short story using some of the things we have learned about this year including dialogue, alliteration, onomatopoeia, grabbers (introductory sentences), pizzazz vocabulary, and concluding sentence. Spelling, punctuation, and capitalization will also be counted.
This particular student is a very low fourth grader who at the beginning of the year would not write one word for me. His reading level is still well below grade level(1st/2nd at best) but now I have him responding to a writing assignment whereas before he would shut down and refuse to do anything.
Needless to say, I was ecstatic when I saw this turned in – they had to have two other students proofread their drafts before it came to me and I am sure that one of them really helped him with his spelling and punctuation. However, his handwritten draft says exactly what I see here.
On the rubric I used he received points for using onomatopoeia, dialogue, and a concluding sentence or ending as well as punctuation, capitalization and spelling. He received a B+
He and I also met to go over his piece and I gave him feedback about adding more details to the story (i.e. setting, what's going on in the story that builds up to the war between the squirrels and the teddies) etc. This one on one with him I think is what really is making a difference with his writing and willingness to attempt writing.
Squirrels vs. Teddies
By Charlie
CHAPTER 1
Conquer and Svenkter were sitting at the end of the border and
the light dimmed. Svenkter looked up and saw it was getting dark. At the
time it was sunny and in the winter. “Move, move, snowball!” he yelled.
BOOM!!! “Wow!” they said and then saw the teddies. “This is WAR!”
they yelled.
The went to the messenger and said, “What was that for?”
“It’s War! said King Teddy. “Fine! So it’s right!” said Conquer.
“Yes, it’s ready, good!” (TO BE CONTINUED)
CHAPTER 2
“Let me see it!” “Ok two machine guns, said Conquer. “Kind of
but no bullets it shoots snowballs and snow grenades.” The teddies
attacked and they came to the castle. BOOM! A trap.
Ten teddies were left and they kept going. Rrrrrr! Rrrrrr! came
the sound of the snow bomb. King Teddy went to get his gas mask.
He had snow missiles too. The fight went for three days until the teddies
and their king starved. Conquer and Svenkter lived happily ever after and
found the lost squirrels.
Charlie is not his real name - just in case anyone was wondering.
I really do not have any large writing pieces to choose from to post. The longest pieces of writing I have are two or three sentences from my Kindergarteners. I have been doing more response to text writing lately. I have formal reading groups with my kids 2-3 times per week and we are writing a response to a book about once a week. The students are responding to a book that they have read at least once. At this time I ask the kids to pick a favorite part and tell why, or to write about something they are reminded of by the book. Sometimes I get just a favorite picture and other times I get great connections. I do not have a rubric for each piece but instead save them to look at when I do report cards at the trimester.
The one I am posting is a response by a five year old boy who read a book about bears that wear hats and each hat has a different thing on it. In the end there is a prize given for the best hat, which had berries on it. He wrote about a book he was reminded of that he reads at home with his family, Blueberries for Sal. This is what he wrote:
I like piking berees (berries) and I can red (read) a book ubowt (about) berees. Sal losez (loses) a shew (shoe) piking (picking) berees. She duz (does) not hav a hat.
I really like how he connected to a book he read at home to the book we read in class. In Kindergarten we talk a lot about making connections and he totally did! I was also particularly excited for this child because he struggles with his writing and he whipped this out in just a few minutes. I love it when I find something that the kids get excited about and engage with in our reading groups. When I compare this piece to others by this child, it shows so much growth. His writing grade on our report card will be much better than last trimester, but much, much more important is that he is engaged and excited to write.
Molly- I was totally impressed with “Aubrey's” writing, she did a nice job. It is so much fun for me to read things by older students to see where they are going.
The following is a poem that was written after one of our students became lost on the tundra and froze to death. His loss has colored the writing of all of our students since it happened.
Girl
10th grade
Phase 17 out of 19(senior project)
When You’re Gone
You don’t know how much we miss you
But know the memories we all had with you will always live on
So young you were to leave
Just wish that you were here to grow old with us
Standing over your grave, with deep loving thoughts
The classroom we all shared
The days we went riding for the fun
And the nights we just stood there talking about life
Why did you have to go so soon?
I miss seeing you in class, and I’m sure others do too
A tear runs down my cheek
Thinking of all those fun things we experienced together
But I know you’re up there
Looking down, smiling and whispering, “Everything is aright”
I MISS YOU!!!
The rubric I used to grade this poem was: it made the teacher cry when reading, so as a poem it was very effective
Second Post:
Honestly, in my classroom it has taken me two years to develop a relationship with my girls where they can write about ANYTHING and I don't flinch or criticize or lecture. Our motto is "all life has its hard spots, as long as you learn and keep going everything will work out."
I have pieces on everything from abuse when they were little to their brothers "smoking them up" when they were out sick last week. (that one was quietly sent to the in district social worker)
I use a blend of the districts 6 traits writing rubric and their phase level expectations.
On the lower phase levels I have the girl chose what trait (or two) they want me to look for in their writing. They also have to choose at least three of the phase level expectations that they want to be graded on.
As the phase level raises so does the expectation that you can address more and more traits in your writing on a proficient level.
Our district has quite elaborate rubrics developed for grading so I don't think I can improve much there.
I too think that I grade a little high when the piece moves me. I made very few corrections on papers that expressed grief over their fellow students loss, but accepted them as they were a way to come to terms with what had happened in their lives.
In the end, I have students working on 7 different writing levels (at the beginning of school it was 9) My biggest problem is remembering who picked what when to be graded on.
Jan—That was an amazing poem. It touched me and I don’t know the students involved. Your grading rubric is the best one I have heard about. dc
This is a "This I Believe" essay produced from our recent digital exchange with another classroom in our district. I don't think it's quite done organizationally (I used the 6 traits to assess), but I really praised this student's voice and ideas. The first paragraph was orginally her conclusion. After I crossed out the rest of her essay and told her that her idea really came to life at the end, she obliged me by rewriting the intro and body. I've responded with a few more organizational suggestions, but I'm proud of how she fleshed out her sliver of thought into a thesis and personal response:
I believe in nothing. I believe that I have the power to believe and the power to know. Maybe one day when I am old and gray, when I have lived and I have loved and I have laughed my way into the ground, I will have found a belief and it will be something that I know. But until then I am just a sixteen year old; stubborn, loud, obnoxious and most of all susceptible to the thoughts of others. This is not what I believe…this is what I know. Every child is susceptible to the beliefs of others and those who can influence them.
A parent for example, could and most likely will, persuade his or her child unconsciously to accept his or her views. An example of that would be how a republican household teaches a child conservative views. The child then evolves (as the process goes) into a teenager and thus expresses the view that they learned growing up. This is not necessarily what they believe it’s just all that they know.
As a teenager myself I cannot help but be swayed to accept the thoughts of others. My life is filled with unconscious acceptance. I cannot wait until I can make my own decisions and create my own beliefs. Almost everyday, my thoughts are bombarded with ideals which are not my own.
A great example of this is school sponsored or recreational activities, such as sports. Coaches try to instill in their team the belief in unity. “We work as a whole.” “We are only as strong as our weakest link.” Sayings like that unconsciously make us [the team] accept and believe that the coach is correct. I guess in some sense though this little deception works, because as a result the team does play better and more as a unit.
I feel that my sports and my coaches especially, sometimes influence my decisions. Because I cannot refuse their advice (it would seem insolent) I must stoically accept what they say as true, even if that is compromising my own beliefs. I believe that one day not only will I know that what my coaches are saying is in fact true- therefore it is something that I believe.- it will also be something that I know. I believe that one day when I have loved, and lived, and laughed my way into the ground that I will have found a belief. Then it will not only be something that I believe, but it will be something that I know.
DC,
Your student really did a nice job focusing on the small stuff, then extrapolating those points in Obama's speech to larger issues. Not many kids have the experiential knowledge base that gives them such global awareness. Has that concentration of weekly essay writing worked for this student? Was it all government-related content area, or did he and his writing partner respond to literature too? I’m just curious because I’m teaching writing and U.S. history together. I’m always looking for that hook to make their writing experiences more meaningful.
I posted my assignment with two student sample essays, my comments, and my rubric on my blog:
http://janet-jahn.blogspot.com/2009/04/shared-assignment.html(If you look at this too soon, you may discover that I am still editing this post ;) )
(6th Grade)
This is a paper written to encourage the audience to consider a request .
Dear Mom and Dad,
I am writing this letter to encourage you to get me a kitten. Think of all the great things a kitten could do for me. He/she (I prefer a she) could lay with me and play with me when you're busy. She could teach me responsibility like when I feed and clean up after her.
I hope that now you’ll consider getting me a kitten.
Your loving child,
Anonymous
scoring
5 points - Is there a "hook" that makes readers want to read more?
5 points - Is there a clear beginning, middle and end?
10 points - Is there a strong topic sentences and are all of the sentences related to the topic sentence?
5 points - Does the Letter offer a convincing argument or consideration?
This Letter received a 23
The student didn't receive a kitten though
Lance
Debbie:
I though Charlie's writing was a perfect example of what Ralph Fletcher has described as "boy writing". I assume that there were illustrations, without them the storyline is a bit hard to follow but there is a lot of the parts of speech that you were looking for, especially onomatopoeia and dialogue. Grammatically it was just fine, I didn't notice anything that would cause me to lose the thread of thought and Charlie seemed to have a lot of fun while writing it. Fletcher contends (and I happen to agree) that boys write in verbs and girls write in vowels. I am assuming that the girls in your class did not write such action packed pieces, rather they wrote about something, (a noun). I too, have the same thing happening in my class. Half of the papers that are turned in feature battles between tanks and jets, the other half feature people and pets. How did Charlie feel about this piece? Once he was successful with this writing did you notice an increased enthusiasm the next time he was asked to write?
This assignment is a tough one for me. I do not have any student writing to share. I am happy if my preschool students are able to write their first name legibly. Some of my typical peers are able to write every letter of the alphabet. Then my lower students on IEP’s only manage one or two letters of their first name.
That being said, I do feel like we at least are teaching prewriting strategies. When we read a book I ask them to make predictions, or to recall what has happened. We discuss the sequence of events that took place in the story and talk about the beginning, middle and end. It is hoped that this will carry over when they do begin to write.
Shelly I really enjoyed your students writing. How insightful of her. Oh to work with older students who are not on IEP's. I just spent 7 years at the middle school level (sped) and would have loved to see my students write something like that.
Jan - WOW! i am in total agreement with your grading scale. there must lots of space in your room for writers to take risks. thanks for sharing this. i hope the poetry/writing was helpful to your whole community.
Debbie - what a delightful piece. i asked some of my students to read it aloud, after explaining about taking this class. they really enjoyed and 'Charlie's" piece, especially reproducing the sounds (and adding some of their own).
Every Tuesday my students complete a Mindbender. A minbender is simply a typical piece of paper that has a quarter of space allotted for illustrations and the rest is handwriting lines. In the illustration area I have made a simple squiggle that the students have to base a full illustration around. At the beginning of the year, the illustration area was larger and there was only room for 3 text lines. Now, at the end of the year, the blank area has shrunk and there are 10 lines for text. Similarly, the rubric has gotten steeper as we have progressed through the year.
My Mindbebender rubric is as follows:
Mindbender Rubric (4 point scale)
4
More than five sentences
All sentences start with a capital and end with punctuation
Proper nouns begin with a capital
Snap words are spelled correctly
Illustration is neatly drawn with lots of detail
Letters are written neatly
Words have finger spacing
3
More than three sentences
All sentences start with a capital and end with punctuation
Illustration is neatly drawn
Snap words are spelled correctly
Letters are written neatly
Words have finger spacing
2
At least two sentences
All sentences start with a capital and end with punctuation
Letters are written neatly
Illustration has some detail
1
One sentence written
There is some punctuation used
Most letters are formed correctly
Illustration is present
0
No sentence written
Illustration is sloppy
I have it all cute and blown up to poster size in my room but of course that doesn't translate on this site :)
Mindbenders are wildly popular in my room. Here are two samples to share...both have their spelling preserved so that you can all enjoy first grade inventive spelling ;)
G's- (the illustration definitely helps pull this story together!)
The ice cream is ataking and if nobody helps them there all going to die. The Hero is here finaly and he trid to kill the ice cream but he allmost dide. The mint chaclet chip ice cream is almost dafeted by the blod but not yet. The peple are pooshing and josaling becuase the ice cream was hrting them and out of the blue came a new hero. He shot blud out of his hand's and the ice cream dide.
K's- (She loves quotation marks :))
This is a vampiyre and Harrison's is mom is about to be eatin. Not "so fast Harrison said. I will save "you mom. Yay my herowe and the vampyire said you will not get me" Yes I will "said Harrison" By by. "No the vampiyre said". The day is save by Harrison.
Shelly,
The first semester was all political in nature. The second semester opened up into more “Time Magazine,” “Newsweek,” or CNN stories for about the first nine weeks, and then I used ideas from “Because Writing Matters.” I did not use any literature based themes.
I’ve always done this type of teaching whenever I can get away with it because world knowledge is so very important to me. I really want my students to be aware of their surroundings and how lucky they are to be living here. I can remember when I was in high school in middle-America, and there was a debate as to whether the State of South Dakota should include a foreign language into the graduation requirements. I can remember thinking how ridicules this idea was. Why would anyone need to know another language? I have come a long way since then, and I must credit some very patient professors at my college.
I am so thankful that I’m teaching at a multi-cultural high school right now. We have kids from literally every part of the globe here. The young man who wrote the piece is from a Mexican family. Not only have I been exposed to fantastic food while I’ve been on the island, our class is enriched so much when talking about differences in countries using first-hand knowledge. It is almost like being in college again!
Wow JJ,
I took a look at the post at your blog viewing in particular your second example (Example #2) of the the assignments.
I have to agree it would be difficult to separate the writings content offensive or not from the grade I would assign it.
I suppose this goes back to the discussion surrounding what is art?
I admit that I had a hard time not being involved and provoked at a personal level, this was a terrific example of why a rubric would be necessary for me to be fair in grading
DC, I found your example of writing interesting. I was curious about how much prewriting was done and if it was self edited or if the student had guidance. I'm also wondering how involved with the polical environment he was. He does seem to have the general idea for flow but it is a little hard to read. The tense changes throws me a little. Teaching on the other end of the spectrum (2/3 grade) it is always interesting to see high school writing.
This is a "How to be" poem. Students wrote them after reading about totem poles and working with the Alaska culture curriculum. I taught the format and we did a sample (not a totem pole one). I used it to assess whether or not they understood the main ideas about totem poles. Following this activity they wrote short stories (post #2) and drew totem poles, using templates, that represented their stories. The poem was written by a third grader and the story but a second grader.
How to be a Totem Pole
Use symbols or animals
Remind people of people who have died
Be carved from cedar trees that don’t have knots
Tell legends, stories, and history of life
Be very important
Represent a welcome sign on a house
this is the story - written by a second grade boy
Totem Pole Story
One day a boy was going berry picking in a field far from his village. He was getting them for his mom so she could make a berry pie. Far away from the field, there was an unhappy beaver. He had been tricked by Raven. Beaver got so mad that he slapped his tail. He slapped so hard that the earth started to shake.
The boy said, “Is this an earthquake?”
The slap was so loud that it woke Thunderbird. Thunderbird made thunder and lightning. Then it started raining. Then the earthquake stopped. The boy was so confused that he fainted. Then Brown Bear saw him and took him to his den. After the boy woke up Brown Bear and the boy began going back to his village. The boy and Brown Bear became friends. When Brown Bear and the boy got to the village, Wolf attacked the village. Some of the people and the bear tried to attack Wolf. Before they could get him, he ran away. Then boy gave Brown Bear some berries. Brown Bear protected the village for as long as he lived.
Courtney,
Your comments are right on with this kiddo. He also has a lot of turmoil in his own life and I see that in his writing. I am just thankful that he has picked up a pencil and is able to express himself with his words.
However, if it is a prompt or a letter to parents in his home school journal I will get absolutely nothing from him. Again it's a reflection of his home turmoil or at least I believe it to be. He's a kiddo you want to keep an extra year just to help the foundation get stronger.
Thanks for your insight with him.
This paper was written last fall by one of my senior girls for her Phase 18 Autobiographical Sketch. Phase 18 is the next to last writing phase in Continuous Progress Model (CPM) K-12 program. This phase prepares students to write the Phase 19 or Passages Project by giving them practice writing each of the pieces required for the Passages Portfolio. The AutoBio Sketch is a 2 page assignment with three choices: a. write about a school experience; b. a vivid memory with heightened emotions; c. a trip or first day of school. The paper has to be taken through the Writing Process. It is scored Basic, Proficient or Advanced using a rubric for the paper which is based upon the Six-Traits Scoring Guide, but includes a seventh component: “Autobiographical Sketch: short biographical sketch , creates reader insight into author, ‘snapshot’ of significant turning point or event(s).” I scored this paper proficient based upon the rubric.
I am sharing this paper with you, because it was a stretch for my student. When you respond, I am wondering how you would score this paper?
Thank you, Sandy
Vivid memories
The most memorable, emotional memory that I ever had was last year. I wouldn’t want to feel so sad like I did last year. My sister left town for her own good. She didn’t want to leave me all alone after seeing. I never cared if my eyes were red like I usually do when people see me cry. Felt like friends and family knew why I was so different around them, so they kind of took it easy on me, especially that day she left.
My sister Madeline left to Bethel for college. Madeline and I are really close, but even more after she left for a while. I acted like she was going to be gone for a very long time. The day she left I was sad and didn’t smile at her because she was leaving me. When her plane came and I brought her up to the airport I was crying on my way to the airport. Madeline didn’t know what to do to me. She was just watching me and had tears. When she hoped into the plane she had more tears. She was excited to go, but she didn’t want to leave after seeing me cry. It was her very first time seeing me very emotional. I think it was the very first time that sad.
That day people saw me crying and never asked me why I was crying. Most people knew Madeline was leaving and practically most people in town know we’re really close. I never said hi to people who said hi to me. Never smiled to people who smiled at me. Eva said she wanted to cry when she saw me cry and Dolly gave me a hug and said its okay. That day was the day they Eskimo danced and I usually get excited, because I really like to Eskimo dance. Without caring what people think I went in the city hall when the village was Eskimo dancing. Some kids were talking to me to try to cheer me up. But none of them made me feel better. I just glared at them and never replied to the questions they asked.
I was always out of the house so I wouldn’t cry during the daytime. I was grounded the day my sister left because the day before she left I didn’t go home curfew time. I never listed to my mom even though she grounded me. Never stayed home even though I was grounded. My brother, sisters and I usually listen to what my mom tells us to do. The day after there was school and I didn’t want to smile at people because I had really puffy eyes. My eyes were really puffy because I was crying the night before. Peter asked me what was wrong and seems like he knew, but acted like he didn’t know. My classmates didn’t tease me like they used to tease me and when others tease me they wouldn’t laugh at their jokes. All they would do is tease them or try to make me smile.
After she left my sister Amanda and I got close. We never used to talk that much when Madeline was here. Amanda now tells me her secrets so I tell her mine too. Adeline my cousin was the one who I was with most times. I slept over most weekends because I missed talking and laughing all times. Adeline and I got closer to each other after Madeline left. Whenever my dad and brother are home alone with me I would sleep over or she would come sleep over at my house.
My sister and I are really close because we grew up together. She was the one I talk to and laughed with during the nighttime. She slept by me most times, mostly when I’m scared. We fought most times because we were always together most times. I wouldn’t want to feel that emotional again. It was my first time feeling that way that. I think to me it is my memorable emotion I ever had.
Jan, your rubric for the poem is the same as mine. I love the way poetry without the bounds of rhyme or meter can bring so much healng to a person or group of people. Thank you for having them write in their grief.
Sandy
Debbie, A wonderful story by your reluctant writer. I, too, was wanting to here more about the 'lost squirrels' before the end of the story. I loved the snow 'Bombs'and the sound effects. I could picture a battle.
Sandy
Sandy, I'd say your young lady took some chances writing about her true feelings. I definitely could hear her voice and the emotional elements she felt and others in her precsence are clearly there. I don't know her writing skills but I think she would benefit from positive comments and at least a B for a grade. She made my understand and care about the separation so... JJ
dc, I enjoyed your young man's piece on that great day we all shared. His insights were quite "right on". I thought he covered it pretty well. I liked him quoting the president about "dusting ourselves off..." etc. I'm glad to see someone listened and understood where we are and have to go. He goes on to talk about Obama's energy comments and how he feels about them. Maybe it's naive on my part and his but I'd like to think he's right that we have tough times ahead but America "will come together and prevail (he said conquer but...) as we always do". Yea! I guess I'd like to know what you thought of his effort. I found it a fun read, but then again I was impressed that he cared enough and that we kinda agreed. Ha! Ha! JJ
Jan, I hate it when students ask if I'd read their poetry and hand me several pages, book-like of dripping love stuff or the "she walked into my life" sappy sung lyrics teenagers play at writing. I often think maybe one day one of them will become a famous writer and I'll kick myself for telling them, "Sorry, I barely have time to read the assigned writings you all do for me." But, this was a very pleasant (if I can say it that way) read. She wasn't sappy or melodramatic yet she got me on "so young you were to leave". I didn't cry but I might have if my head wasn't already plugged up with this damn sinus. Thanks for the share and I'd say encourage her to write more if it helps her heal. Writing is therapeutic. JJ
I like to teach my students to think, see the world through others' eyes or just see it differently for a moment. Whether that happens through writing, math or other avenues, discussions about what we write always generate opportunities to think. The following piece of writing is why.
Why I'd Rather Be A Boy Than A Girl
I'm so happy I am a guy and not a woman because men are bigger, stronger, faster and smarter. We men talk less unlike women who talk all day and all night. I mean I love women and all, but we just know more things than them. Like for example, men are experts on what they do, women not so much.
This assignment was pretty wide open. The topic was to write about why you are glad to be you. It was a short write. A paragraph with a topic sentence or an essay with intro, supporting details and a conclusion would be ok. Some write more and faster than others. The purpose was to generate discussion. I can never really be certain where we will go with my group, but we always have lively discussions about what we write.
This piece of writing fell short of the criteria. In this case the topic sentence should have just included, I'm so happy I am a guy and not a woman in a paragraph with details or it should have included paragraphs addressing bigger,stronger, faster and smarter. There is no conclusion and there are not enough supporting details. Rather than mark it all up we talk our way through it.
And this is where it all begins. The lack of details. This particular student has historically had some difficulty with gender bias. While he may pass writings like this off as being humorous, it is at the core of his beliefs. He and I have ongoing dialogue in passing, in the class and whenever possible. One liners or longer conversations, I think all are paramount in helping this young man develop a respectful, caring and healthy attitude toward women.
Quickly our conversation turns to supporting his claims. Of course every instance he gives can be countered with an example of a woman. Now the other boys are in. They too want to hold on to this sacred territory and the game is on. Me and my 2 girls are holding our ground.
My male classroom para is quietly searching on the computer and produces an article about the "Strongest Woman". A female bodybuilder that benches 600 pounds and squats about 800.(He is a great asset during our discussions and wonderful role model)
Eventually, we have proven every claim of superiority wrong. We've had great debate on fact and opinion. I offer up the final question to the boys. Can you think of anything that a man can do that a woman cannot? They are stumped and then comes the final blow. Can you think of anything a woman can do that a man cannot? Of course we get to having babies, but go even further. We establish that at this point in time if men were wiped off of the earth women could re-populate the world, however, the same technology is not available to men.
When asked what grade his paper will get my answer is this: I won't put a grade on this paper, but I will save it until you are in high school and just prior to prom I will bring it out and we'll see if you get a date to prom. Now the bargaining (more like pleading). We strike a deal--he really wants the paper and agrees to re-write his paper and make a trade.
I get a much better paper in return written with supporting details and a conclusion and he gets his paper back.
Who said that grades can't be negotiated!
Jan, I was happy to see your grading criteria for that poem. I was worried that there might actually have been a rubric attached. Writing is so personal and we as teachers have to have the good judgment to remember that above all else we are human beings interacting with other human beings. Our role as teachers is sometimes much less important. I liked your comment to your student.
I have chosen one of my High School students’ Autobiographical Sketches to share with you. This student is a bilingual 11th Grader, who has passed all sections of the HSGQE, and is almost finished with his reading and writing classes he needs for graduation. He will be ready for graduation by the end of next semester (1st semester of the next school year).
The writing assignment criteria are set forth in our district’s Phase 18 Writing curriculum (High School Junior Level). Phase 18 Writing is a series of writing pieces designed to help prepare the student for his/her Phase 19 Writing Passages Writing Project (High School Senor LA Writing). Students in our districts phase curriculum write ten papers demonstrating their proficiency in writing during their junior year of high school. These papers help them prepare for their final year of high school writing by preparing a portfolio of ten writing samples. They select a theme, based on their junior year writing, for their senior year writing project. At the end of the project, the students give a presentation where they tell a committee about what they have learn from their writing experience, why they chose the particular theme, and what the goal they hoped to accomplish with their writing project.
I used the 6 Traits Writing Rubric as the basis for grading. Where I find basic errors in grammar and syntax, I correct using proofreading marks and return the paper to the student for rewriting. My philosophy for high school students is that I am the Editor-in-Chief and I work with each student as if they were the cub reporters of a local newspaper. This style of teaching comes from my journalism background. Most of my students have become competent writers who need help in polishing their final copy.
The paper I am sharing is an autobiographical reflection of one my juniors who has been out of the village for his 9th and half of his 10th grade years. He is eighteen years old and has made a lot of progress over the last year and a half.
You may want to pay attention to the way he phrase his sentences. While I have graded this paper as Advanced on the grading rubric, five and sixes on the 6 Traits Writing Rubric, you may find errors. If so, I would like to read your comments.
Thank you.
AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH
Hi, my name is [M. A.] I live in Kongiganak, Alaska, and I’m looking forward to graduate next year. I would like to use this time to talk about my succession in school and all the activities that I had in the past.
My freshman year, I planned to move to another to school so that I could experience new learning and living. I attended Nenana so that I can get a better education and learn how to live life away from home. It was a great experience for one and half years of my life, because of all the activities and friends I made there. If I had stayed there, I would possibly be graduating this year and might have gotten a job this summer. But due to family problems, I had to stay at Kongiganak because my parents didn’t want me to miss another family member’s funeral.
However, this school can still help me get my education, because I have the best teacher here today, which is Mr. Gable. He has helped me with reading and writing, also in US history. Anyway, he’s been helping me with the work that I need to get credit on so I that I can have enough credits to graduate next year. I would also like to consider Mr. Gable the M.V.P. teacher because he’s been very busy with my work and helped plan what I need to get done during class and he cares for my education.
There are so many things I am going to miss about the school. The fun activities, my friends, and how I learn in school. It makes me feel like crying, but I don’t do this because is the best time right now, and it’s too soon to say it. But, for this summer, I’m planning to go work at Platinum so that I can make money. I’ll probably will be gone until August, which I am excited to go with the people who are applying to go.
I really am going to miss school, all the things I did to make it fantastic so that people can have fun with me. I wonder how life would be if I was to live alone and not with my family, but I think I can handle living alone because I know I’m smart enough to be independent.
I like Kylie's student's story. It was very imaginative. The story shows that the student paid attention during story time, because he incorporated a lot of characters from folklore tales into his. I have a group of 6th graders who struggle with writing even the simplest of folktales and many of their stories do not come close to the writing quality of Kylie's 2nd grade student. You have done a good job of teaching writing, Kylie. Let me know when you want to move to LKSD and I will put in a good word with the district office.
In response to the first essay posted:
This student seems to have a greater awareness of the reality of the state of our country than many adults. In fact, probably more than my own parents. That in and of itself is encouraging to me. And, lets face it, when it comes to the state of our nation we could all use a little encouragement about those who will care for our future.
The picture painted by his words is clear. The voice in this piece is excellent as well. I feel as though I am sitting across the table from this student, watching his face as he gets more and more worked up about how our world has been cared for. Then, to watch his face relax as he rests in the confidence of what history tells him, we will prevail. A moving piece for sure.
Jan, in response to the poem posted and to you as a teacher:
I cannot tell you the memories this brought back to me, reading of another young person losing a friend too soon. What I can tell you is that you allowing your students the freedom to write about whatever they are thinking or feeling will not go unnoticed. That student will forever remember that in your class, she didn't have to pretend to be okay. I know for me, that was the hardest part about losing friends at a young age, everyone always expected you to just get over it, to be "okay," even if you were far from it. I hope you know how much your support means to that student.
The following sample is a discussion forum post from "Tuesday's With Morrie". I have provided both the original prompt and one student's response to that prompt. The assessment criteria for this assignment was clear - be honest, be thorough, be clear. Honestly, I had no precise rubric here; my assesment criteria was only that the student provide a quote of substance, and respond to that quote in some meaningful way. I'm providing this quote as an example of uninhibited, focused student writing.
For each assigned reading, choose one quote to discuss on moodle. Begin each post with the quote and the page number from which the quote was taken. Next, comment on the quote. Here are some questions you might consider answering when discussing your quote choice:
Why did you choose this quote? What makes it significant?
In what way can you personally relate to this quote?
Do you agree or disagree with the sentiment expressed in this quote?
Finally, be sure to respond to at least 3 classmates posts. Your original response should be no less than 200 words. Their is no length requirements in responding to your classmates, just make sure that you are thorough in your response (e.g. if you like their response, explain WHY you like it.)
In the subject line of your post, be sure to indicate what journal number you are posting. Read my first post if you need an example of the correct format.
"'You see,' he says to the girl, 'you closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling.'" Pg. 61
I chose this quote fore two reasons, the first being that I remember doing the same exact excercise when I was younger with my friends but I was always mean and made them feel like they were falling and grabbed them at the last second, and the second reason being that I agree with it. People have a hard time trusting people when they know a whole lot. If their eyes are open and they're falling, they always catch themselves instead of trusting someone they know to catch them. When their eyes are shut, they can't see that they're falling. They feel it, but they also feel the trust for their partner.
Sometimes people overthink the things they think they know. Like in this case they overthink the fact that they're falling, and forget that there are people right behind them who they can fully trust wouldn't let them fall. If we don't just put ourselves out on a limb and trust people without doubt - without reservation - we'd be much better off. We'd never fall, and never jerk back up to save ourselves, because whether or not we know it, nothing truely bad would happen, because we have people to trust, who can trust us back.
I know that I would never let anything bad happen to my best friend, and she knows that. I also know that she wouldn't let anything bad happen to me, and she knows that I know. To truely trust someone, you have to trust eachother without fear. If there is fear, there is doubt, and if there is doubt, there isn't really trust like you thought there was.
I recently read that the Anchorage School District has 94 different languages, the number 2 language is Hmong.
Because this group is spread out in Alaska, I can't think of anyone else better qualified to help answer what works when teaching writing and grading writing assignments in diverse classrooms.
What are some things that have worked for you or that you think might help...
Jan, I'm with you on the tendency to grade a bit higher when the writing really gets your emotions. I was reading an autobiography of one of my seniors a couple of years ago and it brought be to tears. He was writing about how the passing away of his grandparents affected him so deeply. I was so excited about his writing, so I brought it to another teacher to share it. Sadly, she brought it back to me and just said, "I can't read it,there are too many run-ons." To be honest, the first time reading through it, I didn't even notice the run-ons. I did go back through it, and saw them and had the student correct them, but I imagine how terrible it might feel to a student who has put his/her heart into something and gotten it back saying "too many run-ons. fix."
Here is a sample of one of my student's essays. The assignment was to write a newspaper article about the district basketball tournament. This particular student is a bilingual special ed student who can often struggle with grammar. In this essay though, he really surprised me with his choice of words and voice. I used the six traits rubric provided by the district and he scored advanced on all six traits.
A couple questions I had on this paper was Is the language too much? I don't want to discourage using as vivid words as possible, but finding the balance between too much and just right is a challenge. What do you think?
Akiuk Grizzly Boys Outscore the Tuntatuliak Bluejays
After losing to two tough teams in the past two years in the Kusko-Delta High School Boys Tournament, without advancing to the District Basketball, the Akiuk boys finally gained their way to the big dance in the 2009 Alaska Coastal Conference Tournament in Bethel.
The Tuntutuliak Blue-Jay’s had no doubt of out-rebounding the Akiuk Grizzlies throughout the whole game because they were much taller than the Akiuk Boys, but Michael Martin wouldn’t let that happen. Martin showed his massive energy flying and dancing over the Blue Jays in the air, getting rebounds after dangerous rebounds in front of a huge crowd inside the Warrior Dome. Martin just didn’t show his high-flying rebounds, he also scored a lot of points throughout the whole game.
The Grizzlies needed every one of the points, however. The Blue-Jays Mr. Hotshot, Kevin Macintyre threw in some three-point bombs and kept the Tunt Blue Jays leading by 10 points in the half. In the second, Akiuk managed their way to a tiebreaker by their explosive defensive pressure. Both teams showed no mercy, using all their strength and energy trying to lead, while the thunderous crowd roared and held their breath for the last three minutes of the game.
Jerome Paul, Michael Andrew, Michael Martin, Alexie brink, and Harry Berlin whom were pressuring the ball and forced the Blue Jays to turn the ball over, helped make it easier for the Grizzlies to lead the game in the final 15 seconds. Both teams were in foul trouble, but Tuntutuliak’s thriller basketball star gave up his last foul on the court and was sent to the bench with only four players in for the Blue Jays. Akiuk had earned its spot in the final via a thrilling 73-71 win over the Tunt Blue Jays in the semifinals, advancing to the championship game.
This is a reflective essay written by a student for their personal profile.
Nature is the part of a universe that has been untouched by mankind, the few places left in this world that remain as they did as far back as we can remember. Nature is a phenomenon that should not be disturbed, for if it were we would lose a sanctuary that is dear to many people. In my eyes, nature is very closely related to God, because, he was the one who created the earth and us.
Nature is important to me in many ways. The many scenic views and beautiful landmarks that were developed on their own are there to help us imagine a utopia. They are sneak peaks at what a real paradise would perhaps look like. When you see something marvelous and beautiful in every way it is hard to imagine anything better. If there are magnificent sights then why would we go in and ruin them? Mankind has already urbanized so much of the world, why do they need to take over in places we want to leave as nature?
Not only is nature known for its beauty but also for how it provides for us. Trees give us air, water gives us something to drink, and animals give us fur and meat, along with the many minerals in the earth's soil that provide us nutrients. Everything in nature has a purpose in this world which helps our living.
Living in a natural world helps me as a person. Sometimes being in a natural world make me wonder if it is possible for us to live with the resources that God gave us and without all of this technology; such as isolating myself and not having a cell phone, internet, or car. It reminds me of Adam and Eve and how they lived off what God gave them. But, then I think about how God gave us everything we have and how we used the resources to make the world supposedly a better place.
The natural world helps me because in this world there are many insane thing that people have to deal with; the nature that surrounds my house and what I pass by on the road home brings me back to why I am even here and calms me. The beauty reminds me of what I strive for everyday to make living here better and easier, and that along with everything in nature, I have a purpose too.
The reflective essay provides students with an opportunity to express themselves creatively and to take risks as a writer. The piece was revised to strengthen the six traits of writing: content, voice, word choice, organization, sentence fluency, and conventions.
Jan, the poetry written by your students in remembrance of their classmate was touching. Finding words to articulate a traumatic experience can bring relief. Poetry gives us ways to express our grief and begin the process of healing.
Deanna-
I am impressed with your students' article! I used the 6-traits for ideas, organization, voice and word choice and am in almost complete agreement with you. This article is worthy of publishing in any Alaskan paper. Thanks for showing this piece, it is a great example of showing how passion can inspire writers.
I apologize for the delay in posting student work. I had neglected to explain to them that their work would be shared and wanted to ask permission, and for more volunteers. When my students found out other teachers around the state would be reading their work they were quite extited to offer their thoughts. Which is why I have three short polished writes to share. This is part of the lesson I shared earlier where students have three "power" writes for one minute each, and then turn one into a "polished" write, where they write uninhibited for ten minutes. My criteria for the assignment is that they write for the entire time. The goal is to produce a piece, however ugly it may appear, the student was able to get their initial thoughts on paper and they wrote fluently for an extended period of time. I will use initials in identifying students.
CS-
Rainbows are pretty did you know that when it rains little drops stay in the air and when the sun shines on it forms a rainbow thats how the rainbows are made and taht is why it is called a rainbow. Rainbows look like you could just slide on them but you can't the thing that i like about rainbow is the different colors. Some lepercons think that there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Rainbows can be seeabul some can't some clouds cover some don't. Rainbows are vere pretty. Some Rainbows are brite some are not bright but they are still beuteful.
(Notice that this student was sporadic in her use of proper conventions.)
AT-
I like rainbow Becuss they are vary Butfull I wish I cood slid on it it would Be fun if I cood ride oun if I could Ride it I think I will see a leprecon. With it's Gold I would slide down the rainBow and still it Gold. then I will get vary rich. I like sliding down rainbows Becass they are varylong to slide on. and I like untill I get to the vary end of the rainbow Becass I get to tuch the Rainbow But Best of all I get to tuch leprecons ther fun to tuch with. I wish I could have oun. that would Be vary fun to have to Play with well Play SORRY! the End!
(This student uses capitals in the middle of sentences and none at the start, very few periods and some sentences that make very little sense. We just finished writing her IEP for language. She has been a very complex student as her reading fluency is excellent, but comprehension is not at the same level and she struggles with getting thoughts down in a clear manner. This piece is a dramatic improvement from earlier works of the same kind.)
RH-
Rocks are cool Rocks are awsome there are three tipes of Rocks senimentary, igneous, medomorphic Rocks some Tocs are made out of heat & heat & pressure Rocks are butifull Rocks are outstanding but people don't always love Rocks in fact they don't have to love Rocks but I do me and my family love Rocks we Play games with them we allso play hopscotch with our outstanding Rocks.
But by dog likes to chew on them allot I tell you my dog finds them all the time allover. Some dogs don't like Rocks but mine ya they do that even one of mine chew toy is Rocks my dogs never ever ever stop playin with Rocks exspesholy my dog bella she loves them my brother loves trowing Rocks I tell you allso but I do to allso I tell you.
Courtney- I just love your mind bending assignment and the creative way you start and end the year. I’ll bet that they don’t even know that you are increasing their work load when you increase it so slowly. I love it! It will stimulate the creative side of their brains and add a dash of fun to the class. I will definitely use this assignment in my class next year! Thanks. dc
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